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This last week Dateline 2006-09-25
It feels like I haven’t written my
diary for a fortnight. I have been exceptionally busy. It’s bizarre, when you
have a virtual life the vigour’s and challenges of life and the real world
don’t appeal but when you are out there living life the internet makes you feel
sad, geeky and dare I say, yes, even dirty. I know I will be wiping the digital
filth from me when I’m in the bath.
A couple of weeks of mixed fortunes.
I have had a good few weeks financially but a bad few weeks in terms of
accomplishing things. I wrote to the bank telling them how much I hated them so
they gave me £152 ROCK ON!
Flipmode, though, I really wanted to
go to Sheffield but the money wasn’t in my account. I’d also made plans for the
final. For the second year running I’ve missed it. Still though, I do get to
see the National Sprint at Nottingham. I always go there on Christmas Eve, it’s
brilliant.
I have seen two films, I review them
in my tv section.
I think I’ll probably be back when I’ve some funny things to say.
The Party Dateline 2006-09-11
The tenth of September, I awoke at 9:30am to the sound
of the church bells, I felt rough, enough so that I think I passed out until
midday. Leanne, and I woke properly at about 11:30 am. We put on the television
and watched Saved by the Bell, which was great. I was still feeling sick and
Leanne had been sick.
A bizarre feeling upon me did dawn. Something had
happened the night before that, had it actually happened, I wouldn’t be in a
relationship. I must have dreamed the encounter, it didn’t happen.
Certain things happened. I could believe I was
partying at a huge mansion in Leicestershire. I could believe the food. I could
believe the seemingly endless supply of beer. I could barely believe that I was
drinking some of the worlds best champagne. I could believe the table tennis
game I loved. I could believe the quaint day. The cumulating of all of this
seemed almost impossible and far beyond the average man’s comprehension. The
next bit though, was that unbelievable that I presumed it a dream until I saw
my phone the next day and the pictures supporting such. I had a vague
recollection of there being a hot tub. I also had a vague recollection of there
being a lot of beautiful women. Yet, I still couldn’t believe what had happened
and even now, I still think I dreamt it because it, basically, could not have
happened. Despite the pictures on my phone, I refuse to believe this happened,
however I submit the evidence for your approval for you to make your mind up…
Yes, I know. Me Benjamin Barton, upstanding member of
society, engaged in an all female hot tub party in Leicestershire, what was the
host thinking? I couldn’t say but she doesn’t look too unhappy (above left).
Needless to say, there was no foul play. All of the
girls were friends of my girlfriend, so aside from some outrageous flirting,
water play, and a few drinks, unfortunately nothing else went on. I didn’t
care, as I was taking the most gorgeous of them home.
Shortly after this photo was taken, we decided to put
the bubbles on.
I believe I told that one every 30 seconds last night.
It was like having a party in an issue of FHM that had
just come to life. I suppose an even better way is to say it was like the Sims,
the game, but a real life version of it. There were a couple of gorgeous
Westcountry babes, along with the sophisitiqué, and my girlfriend and her
friends. So at one point I was surrounded by 10 women, who all had a smile on
their face and one who was looking to kill me for my uncontrollable bout of
staring.
I had a chat with one girl, who was pretending to be
from my old Cornish village. I found it out to be a pack of lies though. She
just wanted to get to know me and thought it would be a conversation starter to
pretend that she was interested in me. No-one has heard of it despite the fact
that Penn-torr, or Torpoint in English, is famous for Britains biggest babies.
Anyway, I detract, I was really flattered that a girl was lying to me to try
and get with me. The top lies that women usually tell me are as follows:-
1) I think you’re really attractive.
2) I would come back to yours but I have to return to my home
planet tonight.
Well there’s too many to go into but you get the gist.
To be chatted up with a view to making an advance, and from a woman. Today I
feel like a king. Well that’s not entirely true, I actually feel like s……. erm…
I feel like cr… Hmmm how can I word thins in a family friendly way? I feel
unwell but as soon as my “Gastroenteritis” clears up and the morning after haze
disappears I will be feeling well up to basking in my 3 hours of glory.
Having said that, my Friday night was very good as
well, and I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I went over to the
club, had a drink with the lads and my Mrs, played the fruit machine and went
home, and that, my associates, I would not give up for all the hot tub parties
in the world.
Nottingham Jobs Fair Dateline 2006-09-07
Regulars will notice that I
haven’t posted in the last few days, No, I haven’t forgotten, I have had a
rather unfortunate bout of flu, see below.
No pictures, today
unfortunately, however I do have a rather comical anecdote. I went to the
Nottingham Jobs Fair at the Council House today. All of seven employers were
there. Someone pulled me aside and said,
“How would you like a job as a
teacher?”
“I am not qualified” I replied,
he desperately wanted me to go for the job I could tell. So I was thinking,
cushy job, 18k a year, there’s got to be a catch. So I said to him, what’s the
catch.
“Well, I won’t lie the job is in
Lowdham”
Not so bad I thought
“HMP Lowdham Grange,”
I am still gonna apply for the
job, it looks good.
I mowed the lawn. There is only
one word for it and, while I am never normally this colloquial, my lawn looks
buff.
When little boys grow up they
have dreams like wanting to be a fireman, or a footballer, or a Formula 1
Driver. Bizarre that when you actually grow up, a man no longer takes pride in
scoring a goal at Sunday league or driving fast but can in fact gage all of his
pride from a really nicely mowed lawn. There is nothing that can compare to it.
I’ll post a picture of it tomorrow.
Also this weekend, the start of
the new Robin Hood series. I will of course be on hand to rip shreds out of it
in my tv section.
Gedling County Show day and
Dateline 2006-09-04
So not much to
talk about here. I wasn’t actually feeling too good so I didn’t stay. There was
nothing there. Aside from a Skate Park, a Beer Tent and Dodgems, there was
little to no improvement on the previous year. Watched American Dreamz last
night. Really funny film. I must say though, the more and more I watch American
shows, news films etc, the more and more apparent it becomes that Americans
know little to nothing about Islam. I don’t pretend I know about Islam, but
little things on it just showed how stupid Americans can be sometimes. For
Instance one of the main characters was from Pakistan and had been training
with what looked like Islamic Fundamentalists. That was alright a funny spin on
things. Then they kept talking about the middle east. Then I thought, this guy
is from Pakistan, that’s not the middle east. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/pakistan
just in case you don’t know.
I have been ill
the last two days, but I believe I have been through the worst of it. My
smoking has pretty much stopped. Which I suppose can only be good. My lovely
girlfriend who is so considerate (see below) in light of the fact that her
boyfriend was ill, she thought that she needed to spend £110 on injections… FOR
THE CATS! So she travels down to Netherfield village, gets the cats immunised
and comes home to find me in a debilitated state.
So she sees a
near dead me lying on the sofa not looking at my peak so she decides that with
me being in my condition, that the best thing for all of us to do (by which she
means, her to do) is to go to town to meet her sister to leave me at home
watching the Powerpuff girls and Goodnight Sweetheart. I have vowed to do
another Television and What’s the deal with review before Wednesday.
So Leanne got
dressed and went to town.
Not to worry,
she said she’d buy me a racing post. I’ve just realised that there isn’t any
racing tonight though so it’ll be nothing more than research.
Diary Entry Dateline 2006-09-02
So how
was my day today? Well it started badly. I felt ill and still went to work.
Then when I got home, I watched 1/2 a film before my Oh so considerate Mrs
Dragged me to Ikea. Which I didn’t like…
On the
subject of flat-packed furniture, those Swedes sure know how to pack ALMOST
everything you’ll ever need to construct it.
Still
though I watched Alien Autopsy today which is a cracked of a film. I thought
Ant and Dec were one trick annoying talent less Geordies. I was wrong. They
have come a long way since the days of PJ and Duncan. They are now two trick
annoying talent less Geordies. Check the film out because it is seriously
funny.
On the
drive home I did a little Colin Mcrae Rally type thing, Unfortunately, I don’t
know HTML well enough to insert it as an object. Click here to download
it.
Diary Entry Dateline 2006-08-31
This is my first Diarisical entry. I was going to say
Diarreical but no doubt one of my less sophisticated friends would have made
fun.
Leanne
had her friends around which left me in perfect isolation to construct my new page.
Today I
spent my day taunting the state greffier of Jersey (Lord clerk of Jersey). I
raised a valid point that because I wasn’t born in Jersey that would hinder my
chances of ever living there. I’ve no desire to live in Jersey.
Before I continue if you don’t know
much about Jersey click here before reading on.
Anyways, if
you weren’t born in Jersey you can’t live there. So I e-mailed the Greffier
saying that it was racist against me. I am English and can’t live in Jersey
because of where I was born. I see that as racist. The Greffier replied
personally, which surprised me and e-mailed his mate to e-mail me back, saying
that I could live there but I had to have lived there for 13 years before I
purchased a property.
Anyways
long and short of it, I am going to petition the Jerriasian government to stop
being racist.
As frequent
visitors to the site will learn I like my timewaster letters (coming soon) it’s
like prank telephone calls but in letter form.
I then
found that Jersey has the extension .je on the internet (exciting stuff, I
know) and remembered that a lot of sites have .to at the end like go.to and
listen.to and have.to so I thought I would find out where that extension was.
Well, turns out it was Tonga. A small island in the south Pacific Ocean.
Anyways, I went to www.go.to and this site came
up. I thought, well I don’t have a blog or a myspace so I thought I would do it
the old fashioned way and crafted myself a web page. So here I am 11:02 p.m.
finishing the first parts of it.
Be su